Weekend come BAAACCCCKKKKK!!!

This weekend has been nice, and yes, RELAXING.

Friday night I got into Provo a little after 6 and headed over to Stuart's apt. He is a whopping 24 years old now! We went to Wingers to celebrate his birthday and then got dessert at the Brick Oven. Their apple crisp was D-E-L-icious! He also had to stand on his seat while they sang happy birthday to him. I'm sure I looked like a grease-ball, cause I know I felt like one! I'd worn a hat all day and didn't dare take it off for fear of atrocious hat hair.

We got up to the "cabin" after 11 and were happily surprised to find that despite how small they look, they are really quite 'spacious'. I truly am impressed though. The beds are nice, they have wireless internet (gasp!), and in the clubhouse they've got a couple pool tables, a foosball table, complete kitchen and lounge, as well as a warm pool. I'm even more impressed with their bathroom and bathing facilities. Each room is divided, complete with private toilet, shower, sink, and plenty of room. Yeah, so we don't have large spacious rooms, with a huge 50 inch plasma tv and old rustic furnishings, but I'm more than satisfied with our accommodations at "The Pony Express".

Yesterday we spent some of the morning shopping and I bought some much-needed jeans. My last pair of new jeans was bought for about 20 bucks 2 years ago. So it was a bit of a stretch for me to buy not only 1 pair but 2 at the cost of $40 a pair. Yikes! But they fit great, look great, and are American Eagle, so I'm sure I can't go wrong :) We spent much of the afternoon in the car driving (and getting lost) trying to find a hiking trail. It was cold and windy so we didn't go far. In the evening we went to the BYU Young Ambassadors show. It was fabulous! One guy did an Elvis impression that was good enough to make me drool. Ok, not quite, but when I made my approval clear with a nice loud yell the couple in front of me jumped a little!

Today we went to The Spoken Word. They had a moving "Memories and Memorials" program. After it was over they did a special that only those in the tabernacle and overflow areas got to see. An 89-year old veteran played "Danny Boy" on his 80 year old trumpet. The same tune he played for his comrades on the shores of Normandy. They had all the veterans in the audience stand up. It was special.

We spent some of the day touring the temple grounds, the conference center, and the visitors center. We met a sister missionary from Belgium and I got to talk a little in French with her. Sadly I'm out of practice and need to get back in shape. She commented that I have a very good accent and I didn't sound American. Sweet huh? Je dois habiter en France pour une semestre, non? We had a picnic at a nice park and then came back to the cabin for some R&R (with every intent of going back down and finishing touring). I've gotten to do some much needed novel reading, play some horseshoes (which I won) and did some more reading by the pool while the others swam.

AHH. Vacation :) I hope to never leave...

single...

Yesterday marked two weeks of being single, and today marks a week of being in the state of "no hope for immediate reconciliation" (which is the day that I'm marking my little "journal entries" from. Haha wow that sounds kind of morbid, but basically a week of trying to get over my feelings.

I was doing fine. Went to work, had a busy day. Held T-ball practice for my kiddos, we start our games next week and I'm excited! But that's not what got me down. It was when I called home and talked to Caidin. He was so excited to hear that I was going to be coming down to Utah. Of course I will be! But then he asked if Ben was going to be coming too. Uh... What? How did he manage not to know? So I told him that Ben and I were no longer dating and he thought I was joking. It made me sad to not only have to explain, but to also realize that he was upset about it.

It made me remember when my parents came into town in April to pick up Alyssa. Ben and I had watched a movie with Caidin when all of a sudden he goes "I approve." What? "It means that all this was a test and you passed." Ahh the good ol' days.

You know, I feel like I'm doing pretty good containing my thoughts and feelings. But I was still nervous to go to a new ward on Sunday and then to FHE on Monday. Sunday was ok. I met a few new people and my bishopric. On Monday, Hannah and Marisa made comments about how smoking hot I was looking. They joked about how many guys would ask for my number. Well lets just say that I am absolutely thankful that no one did! I am sure I would have totally freaked if they had. I may be ready to get out and do things with groups, but I am nowhere close to being ready to start going on dates. That's just weird. Who knows how long it will take. Yeah, I think a guy here and there is cute. But PLEASE! I am not even thinking about or wanting to go on dates. UUUGGGHHH!

This morning I've been trying to find music to add so my i-pod for my trip down to Utah. I've been listening to a ton of Tim McGraw. This song hit me...

"and right there for a minute I forgot that you don't love me anymore..."

Tim McGraw sings the songs of my soul. BUT I haven't cried since Sunday!!! hallelujah...

I am excited to go to Utah tomorrow, but am not so excited about being alone with my thoughts for so long.

Marisa

I promised Marisa we would go out to take pictures again when it was cloudy since the pictures turn out so much better in that lighting. We headed out yesterday to the Old Sugar Mill like I had with Hannah. I LOVE that location for pictures. The building itself allows for multiple colored backdrops, and has some pretty awesome props. This is just the front of the building, as seen from the freeway. I'm excited to take a model out and do some grungy-type pictures with the back of the building.





This HOT Cadillac is for sale and sits in front of the Old Sugar Mill. Marisa is a fan of a TV show called "Supernatural", in which the Hottie Dean has a car much like this and he stands all sexy-like in front of it. So, of course she wanted a look-alike!

Beautiful Sunday Afternoon

Marisa in the Ricks Garden

Marisa in Rexburg by the railroad tracks

Day 5: Revelation! or something akin to it.

Today while sitting in the girl's room at the daycare, I started writing some thoughts out. I realized that I didn't want to be negative. We all wish we could take back something in our lives. We all have some regrets, but we need to look at the positive that comes from that. And I was just reminded of that by Ryan: "I know its hard to remember that trials are always placed in front of us for our good." And quite frankly he's right. It IS hard to remember, but they ARE for our good.

Do you ever wish you could take back time? I know I do. I wish I could regain the last 3 years of my life. I wish I could start all over, live my life a little differently. Sure, I've learned a lot. Things I would eventually learn anyways, but with different circumstances. And maybe I would've learned different lessons, but what if those lessons were harder to learn and caused more pain and strife than I've suffered with my own? You know that church lesson where you all write down a trial and, put them all in a hat and then have to pick out a new one? Then they ask if you'd really rather have that trial than the trial you wrote down yourself. Lets just say this. I believe they are right when they say each trial is individual for our own development. The Lord knows.

What if I had to learn the pain of a broken heart after I was married and found out my husband was unfaithful? Or that he no longer loved me? That would be tenfold more painful. What if I'd had the sad trial of an unloving family? Or of always being lonely because I was shy and awkward and didn't make friends easily? What if I'd decided to give up my most recent experiences? I would've lost knowing I knew how to love. I would've missed out on all those wonderful feelings. Sure, I might have learned it later on, but then I'd be more ill-prepared for life than I am now!

They say that this time of my life is the most important because I'm supposed to be figuring out myself. Who I am, what I want, what I see myself becoming. Well. Its easy to find everything I'm not, but harder to actually look at the positive.
Who am I? I am Janelle Cheney, the daughter of Lynn and Cindy, and a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am the sister of 4 beautiful sisters and 3 handsome brothers. I love my family.
What do I want? Well, I want a lot of things. But right now, I am just a girl that wants to be loved, wholeheartedly and with no reservations. I'm a woman who wants a man that will forgive me my shortcomings and settle down with be and be a wonderful daddy to our kids. I've heard the term "marriage-hungry" and "baby-hungry". And I've heard them in conjunction to how I feel. Am I? It may be fair to say yes, but only with the reasoning behind it. I long to be truly and deeply loved. I long for a home that I can have charge over. I long for a husband who will treat me with honor and respect, and that I can treat the same way. I long for the companionship, of knowing that that person will be with me every step of the way, that I can be a team with that special person. And that I'm done looking! I can't wait to walk hand in hand when I'm 75 and still very much in love!

Moral of the story:
While I am sad that things haven't worked out how I planned, today I decided that its not worth mulling over. Because I can't take it back anyways! That doesn't mean I don't wish I could go back and change things. Fix the way I've treated some people. Change some of my actions. But the thing is, I have to accept that I've made the choices I've made. That the people in my life have made the choices they made. And I can't change those choices. But I can decide how to react to them.

And while I won't always be able to keep myself from breaking down, or from feeling that sunken feeling of loneliness, or being hurt and angry, I am really going to try. But I realize that when those feelings are being felt I have to deal with them. I can't just shove them in the back of my mind (this sometimes works but not for the long haul usually). I'm going to have to reason why I feel that way and what can be done about it.

No promises to stop listening to romantic songs that make me wish, man-hating songs that make me wanna swear off men forever, or those forlorn un-reciprocated love songs that make me bawl my eyes out. But I do promise not to be so down-hearted as I was last time. Because it IS different this time.

<3

Rappelling

Two weeks ago, Ben took me rappelling for the second time. This time however, was not quite like the last time we went. I got my hair stuck in my figure 8 because I forgot to pull it back into a ponytail. Yikes! It was my second time going down, and we were going to be the last ones down. The guy at the end of the rope started talking to me, so I looked down and got it stuck! By the time I realized that my hair was stuck, my hair was pulled so far that I had about 3 or 4 inches from my figure 8 to my scalp. Between all the different things they had me try, and the time that it took, by the time we finally had things figured out to where they could get me down, my figure 8 was now pulling directly on my scalp. Needless to say, if they'd had a knife, they would have just cut my hair off.
The scariest part was when they'd finally gotten my hair out of the figure 8 and we were waiting for Steve to come down the other line again. Ben had barely eaten anything all day and started feeling lightheaded and dizzy. He almost blacked out, and ended up throwing up. It was frightening! When I finally got down on the ground I laid down and just started bawling because I was safe! Then crawled over to where Ben was and cried on him. It was definitely an adventure.
We went to Jed's party, and while there, the hair that was stuck in the figure 8 started falling out. So I lost it anyways, but at least I don't have a really really short chunk of hair on the side of my head!

Thanks guys for getting me out safe. And for the record, I still love rappelling!

A barn out by Heise

Michael and Ben

The sun setting

Janelle and Ben

Business Pictures

Ryan asked me two weeks ago to take some business pictures for him, as well as one to accompany his Mother's Day letter. Here are a few of his shots!

Every wanna be photographer needs good models

I took Hannah out this afternoon to take pictures. She's posted some on her blog, and apparently she's planning on becoming a model. Sorry girl, I can't pay you yet!
Here are a couple shots, the rest are on Facebook and will be uploaded on my Picasa album.

A car for sale out by the Old Sugar Mill
That is a sexy picture!

My favorite of all the shots, taken in the grass right by the Old Sugar Mill

Day 2 and Gratitude

Day 2: May 22, 2010

I slept like a board last night I was so tired. I had a crying hang over from the night before, and then hadn’t eaten well. I’ve noticed that my appetite is pretty well gone. I haven’t even craved sugar all that much. Today all I’ve had is some ritz crackers, a banana, and two chimichangas. I just don’t have the motivation anymore to cook. Its so hard cooking for only one person, I loved getting to cook for both of us. Jared E. and I went down to Idaho Falls today, he is trying to sell his engagement ring from almost two years ago. We stopped by Winco so that I could get some groceries as well. I then took some pictures for Hannah. She was wanting a new profile picture, and I needed to get out so it was perfect! She stuck around for a bit while I edited them and then I took her home.

Now I’m working on writing down all my feelings. I’m hoping that getting it all written down and stored somewhere else besides my head will help me to cope with the pain. I decided to sort of do a “Recovery Journal” so that I can see my success or lack there of and see what I’m doing and see what helps.

Tonight I am going to be hanging out with Jared again to help celebrate Adam’s birthday.

I’d like to share my gratitude for amazing friends. I don’t know what I did to deserve them, in fact, I probably don’t. But I cannot express how wonderful they are.

Tasha and Andrew: who gave me a home. For their friendship all these years and for the political talks I find myself engaged in from time to time. For a girl that I get to talk over work with, and for the girl chat I get after hours. And how can I forget the cute little headbands she has?

Jared: for calling me to play night games with them and for making sure I’m doing ok. He’s always been that guy friend that I can talk relationships with.

Hannah: for being the go to girl the night I got my heart broken. I went straight to her house and cried in her arms. Thank goodness for her! She’s been so good to be checking up on me and trying to keep me busy!

Marisa: for all those lovely Sassy Gay Friends videos and introducing me to Tooble, and for being in much the same boat I am right now.

Megan: for being the one I can really tell anything and can completely speak my mind to. I feel like I can share all my thoughts and feelings with her. And all our little secrets we share with one another. I would die if I couldn’t tell a soul. And for being her cute pregnant self!

Kira: for her little texts letting me know she’s worried about me. Those dang work schedules are a real roadblock girl!

Britton: for trying to give me a male’s perspective of things.

Meya: for always trying to give me hope, even in the depths of my own little despair. Even after Thursday night, Meya was all smiles telling me everything would be ok and that if Ben didn’t figure things out where I was in his future, in which case he’d be crazy, then the Lord must have someone else for me. And for telling me that I must be on the top of every mom’s “approved marriage partners for their sons” list.

My Family: for being so comforting. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t have parents and siblings I could talk to so easily. I love how reassuring they are. I talked to Kevin yesterday and it was a good reminder that my sister too had gone through this. That Candace was engaged to a guy who decided it wasn’t what he wanted. Pretty much, I love that y’all think he’s crazy because he doesn’t know what he’s losing. And I have to agree. For my mom who I can talk and cry to, for my sister who is dating someone and still blissfully happy, but feels pain much the same because she’s separated from her boyfriend by miles and miles, for my dad who always expresses concern for my well-being.

And as much as it may be weird, I am thankful that Ben cared enough for me that he would hold me when I cried, even though he knew it was because of him.

I LOVE THEM ALL!

Day 1

Day 1: May 21, 2010

Today Ryan and Randon came over to give me a blessing. I am very thankful that they are willing to still be my friends and are willing to help me in my time of need. I went to work at 10 and was able to keep my mind fairly off of Ben. It’s just so hard when he was my entire life and now he’s gone. I went straight over to Megan’s and watched a little bit of Prison Break with them. Afterwards I went over to Hannah’s and they showed me a couple videos. Sassy Gay Friend is one of them. My favorite is Hamlet because Ophelia is about to kill herself because Hamlet no longer loves her when her “Sassy Gay Friend” stops her. He tells her, “Instead of drowning yourself you’re going to write a sad poem in your journal and move on.” It totally made my day, I must say. Marisa told me you can download any video off of YouTube and add them to your iTunes, so I’m gonna have to try it out! I exhausted myself.

Do I

Baby, what are we becoming
It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through emotions everyday
I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before

Do I turn you on and on when I kiss you baby,
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy,
Do I have your love? Am I still enough?
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Remember when we didn’t have nothing
But a perfect simple kind of loving
Baby those sure were the days
There was a time our love ran wild and free
But now I’m second guessing everything I see

Do I turn you on and on when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Still give you what you need
Still take your breath away
Or light up the spark way down deep, baby do I

Do I turn you on and on when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life

Tell me baby do I get one more try


Do I, baby do I