Day 5: Revelation! or something akin to it.

Today while sitting in the girl's room at the daycare, I started writing some thoughts out. I realized that I didn't want to be negative. We all wish we could take back something in our lives. We all have some regrets, but we need to look at the positive that comes from that. And I was just reminded of that by Ryan: "I know its hard to remember that trials are always placed in front of us for our good." And quite frankly he's right. It IS hard to remember, but they ARE for our good.

Do you ever wish you could take back time? I know I do. I wish I could regain the last 3 years of my life. I wish I could start all over, live my life a little differently. Sure, I've learned a lot. Things I would eventually learn anyways, but with different circumstances. And maybe I would've learned different lessons, but what if those lessons were harder to learn and caused more pain and strife than I've suffered with my own? You know that church lesson where you all write down a trial and, put them all in a hat and then have to pick out a new one? Then they ask if you'd really rather have that trial than the trial you wrote down yourself. Lets just say this. I believe they are right when they say each trial is individual for our own development. The Lord knows.

What if I had to learn the pain of a broken heart after I was married and found out my husband was unfaithful? Or that he no longer loved me? That would be tenfold more painful. What if I'd had the sad trial of an unloving family? Or of always being lonely because I was shy and awkward and didn't make friends easily? What if I'd decided to give up my most recent experiences? I would've lost knowing I knew how to love. I would've missed out on all those wonderful feelings. Sure, I might have learned it later on, but then I'd be more ill-prepared for life than I am now!

They say that this time of my life is the most important because I'm supposed to be figuring out myself. Who I am, what I want, what I see myself becoming. Well. Its easy to find everything I'm not, but harder to actually look at the positive.
Who am I? I am Janelle Cheney, the daughter of Lynn and Cindy, and a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am the sister of 4 beautiful sisters and 3 handsome brothers. I love my family.
What do I want? Well, I want a lot of things. But right now, I am just a girl that wants to be loved, wholeheartedly and with no reservations. I'm a woman who wants a man that will forgive me my shortcomings and settle down with be and be a wonderful daddy to our kids. I've heard the term "marriage-hungry" and "baby-hungry". And I've heard them in conjunction to how I feel. Am I? It may be fair to say yes, but only with the reasoning behind it. I long to be truly and deeply loved. I long for a home that I can have charge over. I long for a husband who will treat me with honor and respect, and that I can treat the same way. I long for the companionship, of knowing that that person will be with me every step of the way, that I can be a team with that special person. And that I'm done looking! I can't wait to walk hand in hand when I'm 75 and still very much in love!

Moral of the story:
While I am sad that things haven't worked out how I planned, today I decided that its not worth mulling over. Because I can't take it back anyways! That doesn't mean I don't wish I could go back and change things. Fix the way I've treated some people. Change some of my actions. But the thing is, I have to accept that I've made the choices I've made. That the people in my life have made the choices they made. And I can't change those choices. But I can decide how to react to them.

And while I won't always be able to keep myself from breaking down, or from feeling that sunken feeling of loneliness, or being hurt and angry, I am really going to try. But I realize that when those feelings are being felt I have to deal with them. I can't just shove them in the back of my mind (this sometimes works but not for the long haul usually). I'm going to have to reason why I feel that way and what can be done about it.

No promises to stop listening to romantic songs that make me wish, man-hating songs that make me wanna swear off men forever, or those forlorn un-reciprocated love songs that make me bawl my eyes out. But I do promise not to be so down-hearted as I was last time. Because it IS different this time.

<3