Emotions of the Emotionless?

It was great to get out of Rexburg this weekend, but it was also exhausting! I'm used to getting to sleep in on Saturday, and it most definitely didn't happen! I got to sleep an extra hour Sunday morning, but it was still a tiring weekend. I'm glad to be back in Rexburg, in my own room, in my own bed, and getting to sleep in tomorrow morning since my class doesn't start until 3pm (don't worry, I'll only sleep in until 9 or 10...)
I enjoyed going around with the roommates shopping/ being treated to lunch by Marisa's parents/ tour of BYU/ "blind date"/ visiting Stuart/ making crepes/ playing poker/ visiting Kathryn/ seeing Jess and Amy. It was a pretty good weekend.
BUT
I've had multiple friends tell me that I "have a stone heart", "am tear-duct-less" and so forth. And its somewhat true. After-all, I have built walls, and I don't cry.
I've decided I'm back to where I was a month ago. Past the point of caring. I've been building up an emotional wall for years now. I think it started when I saw someone crying, and I thought of them as weak. I started building a wall around me so that I would never become that person. It has led to building an emotional wall to other things as well, especially feeling the spirit. Sometimes I feel as if I don't even WANT to feel ANYTHING. As if I'm bored with life. Bored with my surroundings.
I realized I've become emotionally detached from the world around me. But the thing is, I'm content being moody, or angry. BLAH! I don't mind being by myself, and sometimes I prefer it because it keeps me from saying harsh words to people who I would prefer they just shut up. I actually LOVE my time to myself. Its most likely a selfish gesture, but I love not worrying about other people, what they're doing, or where they're at. If I could live my life one way, I would live in a flat by myself and read books all day.
There are times that I love to be social as well, but I've found that unless I'm well rested, these settings are never enjoyable. I find more and more that I prefer the social setting where there is no emotional investment made. Marisa showed us a movie clip in which one character says "I'm in a Glass box of Emotion" - how true.
I'm not trying to go all depressed and psycho here, but this semester has really truly been different. It has been full of so much roommate stress and emotional roller coasters in our apartment that its exhausting. And its not just someone else's fault - its definitely mine too. I don't have many emotional tirades, but lately I feel like I just want to scream stuff at the top of my lungs, but have refrained from saying it. "if you only knew how many things I want to say and don't." - Anne of Green Gables.
I'm pulling into my shell of anti-socialism again, and anti-boyness. Maybe I've just been so tired this weekend, but I can't even seem to take a joke anymore. Especially when its the same old line over and over again.
I can't wait to go home for the summer and find a job, or sell all my belongings and hitch hike across the nation, and become like the guy in "Into the Wild" - how fascinating!
I need an army to march around my emotional walls of Jericho and make them all tumbling down. haha. good luck.
Oh well, I get to see family in less than a month! HALLELUJAH!!!!