Day 2 and Gratitude

Day 2: May 22, 2010

I slept like a board last night I was so tired. I had a crying hang over from the night before, and then hadn’t eaten well. I’ve noticed that my appetite is pretty well gone. I haven’t even craved sugar all that much. Today all I’ve had is some ritz crackers, a banana, and two chimichangas. I just don’t have the motivation anymore to cook. Its so hard cooking for only one person, I loved getting to cook for both of us. Jared E. and I went down to Idaho Falls today, he is trying to sell his engagement ring from almost two years ago. We stopped by Winco so that I could get some groceries as well. I then took some pictures for Hannah. She was wanting a new profile picture, and I needed to get out so it was perfect! She stuck around for a bit while I edited them and then I took her home.

Now I’m working on writing down all my feelings. I’m hoping that getting it all written down and stored somewhere else besides my head will help me to cope with the pain. I decided to sort of do a “Recovery Journal” so that I can see my success or lack there of and see what I’m doing and see what helps.

Tonight I am going to be hanging out with Jared again to help celebrate Adam’s birthday.

I’d like to share my gratitude for amazing friends. I don’t know what I did to deserve them, in fact, I probably don’t. But I cannot express how wonderful they are.

Tasha and Andrew: who gave me a home. For their friendship all these years and for the political talks I find myself engaged in from time to time. For a girl that I get to talk over work with, and for the girl chat I get after hours. And how can I forget the cute little headbands she has?

Jared: for calling me to play night games with them and for making sure I’m doing ok. He’s always been that guy friend that I can talk relationships with.

Hannah: for being the go to girl the night I got my heart broken. I went straight to her house and cried in her arms. Thank goodness for her! She’s been so good to be checking up on me and trying to keep me busy!

Marisa: for all those lovely Sassy Gay Friends videos and introducing me to Tooble, and for being in much the same boat I am right now.

Megan: for being the one I can really tell anything and can completely speak my mind to. I feel like I can share all my thoughts and feelings with her. And all our little secrets we share with one another. I would die if I couldn’t tell a soul. And for being her cute pregnant self!

Kira: for her little texts letting me know she’s worried about me. Those dang work schedules are a real roadblock girl!

Britton: for trying to give me a male’s perspective of things.

Meya: for always trying to give me hope, even in the depths of my own little despair. Even after Thursday night, Meya was all smiles telling me everything would be ok and that if Ben didn’t figure things out where I was in his future, in which case he’d be crazy, then the Lord must have someone else for me. And for telling me that I must be on the top of every mom’s “approved marriage partners for their sons” list.

My Family: for being so comforting. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t have parents and siblings I could talk to so easily. I love how reassuring they are. I talked to Kevin yesterday and it was a good reminder that my sister too had gone through this. That Candace was engaged to a guy who decided it wasn’t what he wanted. Pretty much, I love that y’all think he’s crazy because he doesn’t know what he’s losing. And I have to agree. For my mom who I can talk and cry to, for my sister who is dating someone and still blissfully happy, but feels pain much the same because she’s separated from her boyfriend by miles and miles, for my dad who always expresses concern for my well-being.

And as much as it may be weird, I am thankful that Ben cared enough for me that he would hold me when I cried, even though he knew it was because of him.

I LOVE THEM ALL!

Day 1

Day 1: May 21, 2010

Today Ryan and Randon came over to give me a blessing. I am very thankful that they are willing to still be my friends and are willing to help me in my time of need. I went to work at 10 and was able to keep my mind fairly off of Ben. It’s just so hard when he was my entire life and now he’s gone. I went straight over to Megan’s and watched a little bit of Prison Break with them. Afterwards I went over to Hannah’s and they showed me a couple videos. Sassy Gay Friend is one of them. My favorite is Hamlet because Ophelia is about to kill herself because Hamlet no longer loves her when her “Sassy Gay Friend” stops her. He tells her, “Instead of drowning yourself you’re going to write a sad poem in your journal and move on.” It totally made my day, I must say. Marisa told me you can download any video off of YouTube and add them to your iTunes, so I’m gonna have to try it out! I exhausted myself.

Do I

Baby, what are we becoming
It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through emotions everyday
I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before

Do I turn you on and on when I kiss you baby,
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy,
Do I have your love? Am I still enough?
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Remember when we didn’t have nothing
But a perfect simple kind of loving
Baby those sure were the days
There was a time our love ran wild and free
But now I’m second guessing everything I see

Do I turn you on and on when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Still give you what you need
Still take your breath away
Or light up the spark way down deep, baby do I

Do I turn you on and on when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life

Tell me baby do I get one more try


Do I, baby do I

My Amazing MAN

Alrighty, this post is for all you wonderers ;) and for Ben, who complained once that I had pictures of him up here, but I never once mentioned WHO he was.

So, to clear up a few facts:
Fact #1: Ben is my boyfriend
Fact #2: He's not a boy, he's a MAN (compliments of Ben)
Fact#3: I REALLY REALLY like him. I mean, really. Ok, it's love.
Fact#4: He's sweet and tender (but don't tell him I told you) and treats me like a queen!
Fact#5: He's very observant, and can read me like a book. He's perceptive and can always tell when I'm upset about something but don't want to talk about it. And we usually talk about it. haha.

Now for a couple quotes. I wish you all knew him, he is hilarious. I love his sense of humor...and some of the things he says without thinking, and some of the things he says when he IS thinking.

Over our Olive Garden dinner I asked him to tell me 4 things about each of his parents. He then asked the same of me. While telling him about my dad:
Me: "My dad grew up in Archer"
Ben: "Oh, that's close around here, whats his last name?.... (Silence) OK that was dumb."

When my arms had goosebumps and he couldn't remember what they were called:
"Wow, your arms are nipply all over!" HA HA I couldn't believe it!

When he picked me up 15 minutes early one morning and I started putting my make-up on in his car:
Ben: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Me: "Putting my make-up on so I don't look dead."
Ben: "Babe, someday can we go on a date when you're not wearing any makeup? You're so beautiful without it." (and yes folks, he was being serious)


If you have more questions, feel free to ask!

Photography: yay or nay? YAY!

Well my friends and family,

I have now decided what I want to do with my life! I am going to study photography as an art major and take French credits. I have always been passionate about photography but allowed the fears of my future get between me and my dreams. I'm done being that fearful. I'm done listening to voices telling me I can't succeed with it. After all, if I'm passionate enough about it then I'll be able to do something I love and be totally happy doing it. I don't know, maybe its a crazy step, but I don't care anymore. If I have to pack my kids around on my back as I scale mountains taking pictures to make my living, I'll do it! Think about all the places I could see! All the mountains I could climb, all the flowers I'll see! Its gonna be freaking sweet.

These next few are from when I took some of my roommates out on a GORGEOUS afternoon. I really wanted to take pictures so they volunteered to be my models :) for free of course...I'm not made of money!








Here are a few pictures. This first one is Ben and his roommates when I took their "roommate pictures" lol. I didn't know guys did them...





These last two are from the roommate photoshoot, just some random ones :)

Je Sais Pas

Lately, I've been rather obsessed with french music, my poor roommates!

AND we are watching a crazy movie in my french class, it is insanely good but also slightly creepy. Its about this girl who is in love with and stalking a married doctor. Let me tell you, its trippy.
BUT here is a song I like very much by Celine Dion.

Ben's niece

Last week Ben took me out to Idaho Falls to visit his sister and her newborn baby who was less than 3 weeks old! Oh her baby was so cute!

We took his 6 year old nephew with us, and on the way he said "I really gotta go!" he couldn't wait, so Ben pulled off on the side of the highway, Seth got out and walked over close to a fence to go. When he got back he said, "I made sure not to get too close to the electric fence, I didn't want to zap my weenie off!" Now, while I understand that is not exactly the most appropriate thing, I DO work in a daycare and man! Kids say the darnedest things! I couldn't keep myself from laughing out loud when he said that.

But anyways, the baby was adorable and it was so nice to get to hold a baby without worrying about other kids, or feeding or changing them. It was relaxing having that little body all snuggled up with me.